Emotional intimacy or emotional safety is something that should begin to be established between two people while dating.  If the couple is successful in doing so, it is more likely they will become a team, become one as the relationship matures.  Having emotional intimacy in your relationship means that you will be able to be yourself, including flaws, without fear of being rejected.  This fear is one reason we lie to each other or, at least, keep secrets and do not tell our spouses things.

The process of building this type of intimacy begins with dating.  It starts with the first date.  During the first date, most of us will put our best self on display.  However, if that is not who we are, we must maintain the masquerade.  Revealing ourselves then becomes difficult because that would put the relationship in jeopardy.  

The process of building emotional safety starts when two people meet.  They start to exchange information or facts about themselves.  So, if Fifi was that she was born and raised in Indiana and Biff laughs and says that nothing good ever came out of the Hoosier state, Fifi likely will not say much more.  Biff has rejected her because of her home state.  It is not safe for Fifi to go deeper and reveal more personal things.  If Biff accepts that she is from Indiana and asks for more information, things will proceed to the next level of intimacy.  

The second level would be exchanging ideas of others, not your own.  So, Biff says that he heard that the president has an idea about space travel.  If Fifi gets infuriated or calls the president names, she has just revealed something about herself.  Biff could believe that she cannot talk about ideas and is not open to differing opinions.  Instead of talking about the idea, she resorts to calling names.  Even if Biff and Fifi agree on the point, he is seeing a side of her, quick to criticize, that might make him uneasy to share his real opinion.  If Fifi is curious about the president’s idea, a good discussion could occur.  Then the couple would move on to the third step of emotional intimacy.

The third level of establishing emotional intimacy is sharing your own ideas and opinions.  This is where a greater risk of being rejected or ridiculed begins.  So, Fifi says that she has this great idea about making and selling purses that are made out of paperclips.  Personally, I know little about fashion or purses, but if Biff would tell her that her idea is the absolutely the dumbest thing he has ever heard, Fifi likely will tell him nothing else about the other ideas she has.  Biff has just stopped the process of building safety with her.  If Biff could ask more about her idea and how it would work, more intimacy is created and they move to the fourth step of creating emotional safety.  

The next step is sharing personal information and emotions.  So, Biff declares that he is very afraid of spiders.  He tells Fifi that he has a phobia and just cannot get over it.  So, the next time they meet, she brings a fake, but realistic looking, spider and secretly places the spider where he will see it.  Then, when Biff sees the spider, he screams.  If she laughs because it scared him, Biff will no longer find her attractive.  Even if she says that it was a joke and she thought it was funny, it still hurt Biff.  He will not tell her much more about his fears and the deepening of the relationship stops there.  If Fifi is understanding about Biff’s fear and shares that she is afraid of public speaking, the relationship can grow and move on to the final step of emotional intimacy.  

The last stage of this emotional safety is sharing the core of who we are.  We can with, at least some certainty, show the other person who we are, our feelings and thoughts with no fear of rejection.  The couple is very close and becoming one.

It should be said that each step in creating a relationship with emotional intimacy contains a certain amount of risk of being rejected.  Relationships can be scary and knowing how to establish safety like this can, eventually, lead to a fulfilling relationship that can last decades. 

This is what God wants for us.  Jesus is referred to as the bridegroom and we are his bride.  He knows all our flaws and still loves us.  His love for us is the greatest plan for emotional intimacy and marriage.  He will not reject us due to our bad behavior or thoughts.  We just need to believe and put our trust in Him.