How many times has someone said to you, “You don’t trust me.”  Many times, this is said as an accusation, as if you are doing something wrong.  Sometimes it is said by your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or child.  Most of us will tend to deny this allegation, but we should not.

It is likely that we do trust them in a way.  We trust or expect them to do what they have most often done in the past, but not about what they say about their future behavior.  That is the thing about trust.  We trust people to repeat things they have already done.

The teenager who is asking to use your car, but has rarely, if ever, kept his word about doing chores around the house or his homework after promising to do so should not be trusted to take on the responsibility of driving a car.  If they cannot be responsible with smaller things, they likely won’t be responsible with the bigger things.  So, when you refuse to let them drive your car, they may accuse you of not trusting them.  Your response should be, “You’re right.  I don’t.”  Then tell them how trust is earned and built. 

To trust someone, their words and behavior must match.  They should do what they say they are going to do. For example, if Biff tells Fifi that he is going over to visit a sick friend and then she discovers he went to a bar, Fifi should not trust his words, but his behavior.  She should trust that he lies if this is his pattern.  However, if Biff actually does what he says, visits a sick buddy, Fifi can begin to trust him.  When Biff develops a strong pattern of doing what he says he’s going to do, trust grows and Biff is worthy of that trust.

Trust comes down to making a prediction about what someone else will do and being right about the prediction.  Trust can be built by telling the truth and following through on promises.  Trust does not happen automatically.  It is built over time and having experience with each other.

No one is perfect in keeping their words and fulfilling promises.  I don’t know how often you can fail at this and still be trusted, but I would have to say 90% is a good start.  I had a long time client once say that he should be trusted if he told the truth 50% of the time.  I pointed out that half the time he said something it would be a lie.  He claimed to be OK with that.  This person was a pretty good liar and I believe he wanted that freedom for himself, but I doubt it would be OK with him if someone lied to him that much.

If you want to be trusted, you must be worthy of that trust.  You get that by doing what you say you are going to do.  There must be a long and strong history of you doing so.